Unsigned Band Promotion

Roxio PC Game Capture #cod #blackops

Apple For Teacher - the bitch

http://www.menendezuk.com/ are set to release their new album “Apple For Teacher” on the 4th of July 2011

Strangely Green’s Birthday Gift

It was Strangely Green’s birthday one wednesday many years ago, so my diary tells me. So, on the Friday the boys went out for the obligatory booze-up and Indian. However, this was not going to be the usual one? Strangely had had a bad year, caused by a flat-mate-come-stalker, he dropped out of University, and unemployed for at least a year he landed himself a plumb I.T. job in the City. In celebration, his mother and father gave him some money to take his supportive mates out. He took three of us to a posh French restaurant. We made it a black tie do and had a thoroughly pleasant night: Asparagus and Lobster Soup, Fillet of Beef with a rich Blackberry Sauce, a selection of cheeses, Treacle Pudding with Lemon and Grand Marnier. Gin Martini, 1 bttl house Red wine, 1/2 bttl house Champagne, 4 Brandies and a vat of coffee - EACH. Very many thanx to Mr & Mrs Green. The next morning Amanda (my old girlfriend - name changed!!) woke me at 0700. We were off to stay with her mother’s old school friend Joan. I had the worst hangover ever. I couldn’t get out of it, “This is just too important, for God’s Sake” Amanda shouted. I rallied myself. Off we went to Joan and Rex’s beautiful 250 y.o. Cotswold home. I couldn’t face coffee. “Hair of the dog, hair of the dog” said Rex in a hoity-toity voice. One very large Cognac. It worked! At Noon we went down to the local for lunch. I had steak and kidney pie and 4 pints of Directors. Long walk after lunch. “The bar opens at six” said Rex. Amanda and Joan got the dinner ready and drank Champagne. Rex and I played cribbage and drank gin and tonic. We were all very merry by eight-thirty. Moules a la poulette, Chateaubriand steak with French fried cabbage, quiche Reine-Claude, Champagne, red wine, Brandy. Half past midnight, bed. We were all pissed. Amanda was posted to one end of the house in the granny flat. I was posted to the other end of the house, right next door to Joan and Rex. A minefield of creaky floorboards separating us. They were not expecting us to have sex - neither was I! I sat on the edge of the bed, head spinning. But this was more than the booze, I felt ill. I gingerly crept down to Amanda’s room. All o.k. “My God you look dreadful”, Amanda said. I did and I felt it. suddenly I was gripped by the most agonizing pain in my stomach. I ran to the loo and unloaded with terrible farting and splattering. Amanda kept saying “Are you O.K.”. My answers were: “Jesus H Christ. Uuuhhh. Aaaahh. Not too bad. I think I’ve had constipation. Ooououww. It’s like molten lead. Unhh”. Amanda went to bed. I sat there sweating, shitting, vomiting and shivering from 0200 to 0500. Paperwork done, arse-hole on fire and bowl almost full, I pressed the flush of this modern electric powered toilet. Nothing. Pressed again, nothing. Unable to think of what to do, I closed the lid, had a shower and awoke Amanda. I told her about the problem with the toilet and rushed back to my room. At 10.45 A.M. Joan came in with a cup of tea and said “Breakfast will be in fifteen minutes”. Bacon, eggs, tomatoes, toast, vat of coffee. I could only manage toast and coffee. Over breakfast Amanda said, “I’ve had a little trouble with the loo, I can’t get it to flush this morning”. We all trouped in to her toilet and Rex ceremoniously pressed the button. Nothing. Again, nothing. And again, nothing. “That’s odd” said Rex. Then he did it - for some unknown reason he lifted the lid. And there it was, a toilet filled almost to the top with crap and puke. They looked at Amanda in horror, then back at the toilet as if it were a wondrous piece of tragic art. Then it hit them, the pong, the fucking acrid stench of putrefaction. We all left the toilet with shocked white faces. But it was at that moment, when we were avoiding eye contact with each other, that I noticed the switch on the wall. I said nothing and Amanda had to take the rap. Result.

World’s first brain prosthesis revealed

Memory upgrades for the brain are available, here is the source code!

/* Source Code For The World’s First Brain Prosthesis */
/* Microsoft ( ;) ) for the use of… */
/* VIA Ian UBP */

#include “win31.h”
#include “win95.h”
#include “win98.h”
#include “win2000.h”
#include “win*_*.h”
#include “msproject.h”
#include “winsowsMediaPlayer.h”
#include “oddsnsods.h”
#include “monopoly.h”
#define INSTALL = HARD
#define DEFAULT = Laura_C

  char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
  void main()
 {
    while(!CRASHED)
     {
      display_blue_screen_of_death();
      quote_from(Old_Show);
      do_nothing_loop();

       if (first_time_installation)
        {
         make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
         do_nothing_loop();
         remove(play_list);
         disable(use_of_right_arm);
         totally_screw_up_timesheet();
         search_and_destroy_all_other_file_systems();
         hang_system();
        }

       do_something(anything);
       display_blue_screen_of_death();
       do_nothing_loop();
       question_Laura_C(thong);

   }

if (detect_cache())
 disable_cache();

if (super_fast_cpu())
 {
  set_wait_states(lots);
  set_outPut(speed, very_slow);
  set_outPut(action, jumpy);
  set_outPut(reaction, sometimes);
 }

/* printf(“Welcome to Microsoft + Green Dragon 4”); */
/* printf(“Welcome to Microsoft + Green Dragon 95”); */
/* printf(“Welcome to Microsoft + Green Dragon 2000”); */
/* printf(“Welcome to Microsoft + Green Dragon 2000 Professional”); */

 printf(“Welcome to Green Dragon and Global Domination”);

  if (system_ok())
   crash(to_dos_prompt)
    else
     system_memory =  open(“a:\swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE);

      for(band_type)
        {
         printf(“\n(I)ndie: “);
         printf(“\n(R)ock: “);
         printf(“\n(A)ll Other: “);
         do
          {
           printf(” ***** CHOOSE ***** “);
           ch=(getch());
          }
         while(!strchr(“IRA”,ch));

          if (ch==’I’) play(slow);
          if (ch==’R’)
           {
            display_blue_screen_of_death();
            do_nothing_loop();
            question_Laura_C(again);
            play(National_Anthem);
            do_nothing_loop();
            crash();
           }
          if (ch==’A’) play(anything);
        }


 if (fags_run_out)
  {
   sound_loud(breaking_glass);
   sound_water(splashing);
   return_to(DEFAULT);     /* Laura_C */
   select_option(try_to_make_Laura_C_even_more_sexy);
   do_nothing_loop();
  }

while(communicating)
  {
   check_frequency(http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/berkshire/hi/tv_and_radio/)
    {
     make_sound(“khkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhk”);
    }
   sleep(20);
   get_operator_input();
   sleep(10);
   act_on_operator_input();
   sleep(5);
  }
 create_general_protection_fault();

 }